I just ate an entire bread dish of strawberries with sugar in under six minutes. Naturally, this got me thinking about my ideal boyfriend. Of course I know this man is a figment of my imagination, and I certainly won’t turn away a good guy if he happens not to align with my list, exhibit A. my own boyfriend currently.
So here it goes.
#1 Obviously, he needs to have a big appetite. This is most likely the thing I had in mind as I devoured 4 servings of sugar covered strawberries in record time. I have this odd habit of adjusting my eating habits to those around me. So if I’m out with a friend or new male prospect I tend to eat as long as they do. In general I have a huge appetite. The kind of appetite that allows me to finish off 4 Krispy Kreme doughnuts in five minutes and then have a hefty bowl of cereal fifteen minutes later. Save your lectures. I’m a pro. I know what I’m doing. Do not try at home.
#2 Good Shoes. This is a signal that this male has matured. A guy with good taste in shoes is usually thoughtful, reasonably eloquent and hopefully has a good job to pay for said shoes. I don’t know why, but a man in a nice pair of oxfords, well built boots or specifically chosen, trendy sneakers is a big turn on. This person is also likely to be a good gift giver. Happy Birthday!
#3 A good sense of humor. I know, I know. This is unoriginal. Nearly everyone on the planet, minus perhaps the Evil Witch, has this on her list. However, it’s true. I don’t want someone I can’t laugh with. I need a guy that will laugh at corny Google-found jokes. I would like someone that appreciates Will Ferrell and Mindy Kaling with the same reckless fan-girl abandon as me… also, ideally someone who is ticklish.
#4 Loves to Learn. I know we all have our special qualities, and some people aren’t meant for school. These people also aren’t meant to be my boyfriend. Sure, of course we can be friends. Let’s barbeque together! Let’s go hang by the lake. Let’s not date. As one of those wildly ambitious young ladies that get nervous when I run out of things on my to-do list, I need someone equally involved in education. Who knows when I’ll be finished with my education? Will one doctorate degree be enough? I can’t be sure, and I need someone who will be okay, even be supportive of that.
#5 Not a Scaredy Cat. It’s not that all men must be fearless, emotionless James Bonds. However, I love scary movies. I believe in ghosts and aliens. I adore those silly haunted walk things you find in cities like Charleston, South Carolina and Richmond, Virginia. I want someone to enjoy all of that with me. By enjoy all of that with me, I mean that I want someone who after watching The Ring, will convince me not to throw away all of my Disney VHS’s I love so much. I want someone just excited as me to see Paranormal Activity 14 and World War Z. If they can convince me that the creek is not a snake pit that will collectively swallow me whole if I swing in by classic rope swing, I will swoon.
#6 Gracious Tipper… There’s an old saying that we all marry out fathers (or perhaps mother’s in some of your cases, I suppose, but we’re talking about me right now and I’m heterosexual.) Growing up my Dad was known for being a gracious tipper. We could be scrapping the bottom of the barrel just to go out to a restaurant, but if it meant everyone orders water instead of tea or soda, our server was getting a good tip. One major turn off is lowballing an excellent waitress or waiter. Give them what they deserve; for God’s sake they’re making 3.12 an hour. If you’re treating me and I have to supplement your tip, don’t expect a second date, or second base.
#6 Speaking of my parents: respect them. Respect them, but honor me. If you have done so well as to have gotten the opportunity to meet my parents, treat them with the utmost respect and you will win us all over. My parents are awesome in-laws. My mom is hilarious and sweet, and my Dad is super smart and helpful. If you were to imagine your ideal in-laws right now, you’d be envisioning my parents. The trick here is when I fight with my parents the ideal boyfriend will support me, without bashing my parents, especially since in an hour, I will have made up with them, and sometimes changed my mind all together.
#7 Southern Exposure, the last thing I feel incredibly committed to (besides the obvious, is a nice person, has a good heart, isn’t disgusting or a racist misogynist) is that they must love and accept Southern culture. I don’t care where they’re from but they have to be open to Southern hospitality, grits and sweet tea. I have this freakish heightened since of patriotism to my state. I love North Carolina probably more than television and Ikea combined. t’s the variety state, sea, mountains and piedmont… city and country, the history is rich and the people are mostly lovely. We’re the creator of the Krispy Kreme doughnut, Pepsi, Cook Out and Bo jangles, Nicholas Sparks, and more. Not to mention first in flight, and home of the mysterious lost colony,Dirty Dancing, Ricky Bobby. Jesus, I love North Carolina. The point is, I cannot date someone who isn’t open to loving North Carolina at least half as much as I do. No jokes about marrying cousins or being toothless. In fact, that’s a good way to get a knee to the groin, just a warning.
Okay, a little longer than expected, which I guess dreams usually are more than we expect, aren’t they? What’s your ideal? Have fun with it, what qualities or quirks would your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend possess?